She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
