college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
