my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
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