Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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