I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
