i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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