i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
