I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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