he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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