Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
