omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
