Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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