Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
