and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
