Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
