if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
