a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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