Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
