No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
