Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
