How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
false alarm, still single
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