I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
