I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
