I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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