we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
