I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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