Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
