You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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