Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
