I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
