Plan B is the new Plan A
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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