i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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