Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
