He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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