you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
