Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
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Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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