If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I want a musical about memes.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
