I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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