Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Ladies don't puke and tell
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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