***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
