just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
