Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
