i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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