We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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