a queef is a wish your heart makes.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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