I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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