If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
What a dumb baby whore.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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