i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize