just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize
