Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm getting married
To pizza
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
