i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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