I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
