There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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