Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
