Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
