You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
