For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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