theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
