While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
